Lost and Insecure


Happy Easter, everyone! I know this seems to be a somber way to start the month and to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection but hold on! I don't feel entirely hopeless despite what I'm going through right now.

I feel lost lately so I had some alone time to have a heart check. I don't want to become toxic, but I can't stop my inner demons from visiting me from time to time even though I'm living a holistic lifestyle.

I worked from home for a week when my depression got worse because I wanted to reflect on my life and make decisions without others' influence. I realized a lot of things, but I got overwhelmed to the point that I can’t figure out what to do with my life.

I don’t have motivation to do anything. I feel tired and anxious because, on the one hand, I want to take a break from everything, but on the other hand, I want to be productive. There are too many things on my mind and my faith even got affected; I started questioning everything and I became uncomfortable at church so I decided to take a break from serving in the ministry because I feel like a fraud for still serving despite my faith being shaken.

Coincidentally, our church's sermons last week and this week are about having doubts and running to Jesus when we face trials.

According to last week's sermon, doubt is not unbelief but it's our choice if we would lead it to either unbelief or inquiry (seeking God more). I decided to keep seeking God instead because I know that God has always been good to me and I know that my mental illness is the reason why I feel this way.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
— Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

I don't know what will happen in the future, and right now, I also don't know what to do with my career, how I'm going to serve God effectively inside and outside the church, and what my purpose is. But I know that God has plans for me, and I'm praying that He would guide me and use me to add value to others. I may feel lost and down at the moment but I still put my hope in Jesus because I know he can turn my despair into delight.

Have a blessed Easter Sunday! May we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus by living peacefully and compassionately.